The Wandering FamiLee

This is one of the questions we are asked a lot. I think almost the whole world had an insight into this during the Covid pandemic lockdown period. All of a sudden being TOGETHER for 24 hours a day, day in, day out. And, as much as we love our family members, this experience was a lot, wasn’t it?! In truth, we all need time to ourselves, space and the company of others. We need to follow our own unique passions, and whilst working as a team and a solid family unit, still keeping a tight grip on our uniqueness and sense of self.

We are by no mean experts on this, but through good times, bad times and somewhat exhausting times we have learnt a lot. We’ve travelled separately, as a couple and as a family with 3 dogs in a van but we have also lived alternatively on a boat for many years. So, here are our shared learnings on how to live life together as a family unit in a small space.  

Tip 1 – Get outside

It seems obvious doesn’t it. Use the space around you and you have increased space for the whole family. More than that though, the outside provides the opportunity to heal after some emotional heat, burn off excess energy, to come together as a family, to be present in what is happening around us and ultimately be held by the healing force and softness of nature.

For us, this might look like a walk in the countryside with the dogs. It might also be grabbing our skateboards and carving round a carpark for hours. It might just be taking our morning coffee outside for a breath. It is often making our meal times a more shared experience, meaning outside meals become longer and more laid back. Sometimes it is just one person going outside to find whatever it is they need in that moment. Whatever they were looking for is often offered up in that time of space and reflection.

Tip 2 – How am I feeling and what do I need?

I actually wrote this on a sheet of paper and stuck it to the window of our boat in the kitchen. The central space in our boat was the kitchen or wheelhouse and within that, the most center part – the table. It was where we ate, studied, created and worked. There in bold letters from the table we could all always see the words How am I feeling? What do I need?

This came about after some reflection and research. It seemed that most of the arguments, frustrations and squabbles came about from a need that was not met. For instance, the kids squabbling might be that they were feeling tired and needed an early night. Me being short tempered with the squabbling might be that I was feeling overwhelmed and what I needed was a bit of space and a breath. Jez’s frustrations were that he was exhausted from the busyness of work and needed some peace and ease. Seb’s reaction to Remi knocking down his Lego build was that he was feeling angry and needed a space of his own to do his Lego. Remi’s behavior was because she was feeling hu[a]ngry and needed something wholesome to eat.

A good place to start in all cases is to ask ourselves those two quick questions. We definitely don’t do it all the time but I do try to remember to ask myself and ask the family: How am I feeling and what do I need?

Tip 3 – Support each other’s uniqueness

Whilst on the whole we enjoy hanging out with each other and have most of our interests in common, we also have our individual interests and ways of beings. Understanding what is someone else’s thing is difficult when it’s not your thing. Understanding why someone is the way they are, when you only have the experience of being you can also be challenging sometimes. When those challenges arise, when one of us wants to do something different, we have two choices. We can try and persuade them to think the same way as us, which only leads to resentment and confusion in the end. Option two is far better and is to just allow each family member to be one with their uniqueness and support whatever they are in to or not in to.

We all like to surf. Even little Remi enjoys her time out back on small days, swimming and jumping off boards and catching the waves she feels comfortable with. We all like to bike ride, swim and skate. We like playing family games and enjoy our meals together. Above those things, we all have our own unique things that we NEED to do to make us feel…well, us! Seb loves to read, he gets lost in building Lego and loves being creative on his iPad making animations and stuff I don’t even understand. Remi loves music. She needs to dance. She actually needs to, daily if not hourly! Jez needs to be in the ocean. Even if there are no waves, he needs to be in the sea. I need to breath, mediate and move by body through yoga, dancing or running. I will not feel myself if I don’t.

It’s taken a while to get to this understanding of our own unique needs. This is the magic of what happens when we are propelled into life together at an intense rate. We now understand ourselves and each other better. If something is not right, chances are one of us is not honoring their unique needs.

I wonder if you reading this can list your non-negotiable unique needs? If not, I hope you spend some time thinking about them and then put them into place.  

Tip 4 – Talk to each other

Easy to say, but it really is important to get things off your chest. This is something I struggle with but when you’re living intensely with the same people day in, day out in a small space, sometimes in new territory, it’s imperative that you can talk to each other about how you’re feeling or if something is bothering you.

Jez will just say it. Apparently, I don’t even need to say anything, you can just tell if something is bothering me! The kids however sometimes don’t stop to ask themselves how they feel about a certain situation. I like to use mealtimes to talk openly or bed time is a good time to review the day with a casual, ‘how was your day’ or ‘what was the best thing about today, and what was the worst’. Hopefully it encourages them to acknowledge their feelings without judgement and let things go before going to bed.

In the space the size of a van, you cannot run from uncomfortable situations, so you best just face them and move on.

Tip 5 – Team work

Arggghh I hate that term ‘team work’. It sounds like some kind of corporate manifesto. Which, I must say this life most definitely isn’t! What I am trying to say is that it does take a team to make this type of lifestyle work. One person cannot do it all. Find out what interests you and what you’re good at and do that. Allow the other members of your family to do the same. Moving around all the time, stopping, starting, researching, maintaining, planning, arranging, cooking, working, learning and teaching are all on the agenda all of the time. That’s on top of just being, so work together to make it all happen.

Seb is old enough now to look after the dogs so he often takes the role there, Remi loves to do washing, she normally handles all the hand washing and loves it. Jez is fantastic at research and connecting with other people so he handles that before we set off somewhere. He’s also great on maintenance and runs a clean and tidy ship! I cover places to visit, cooking and emotional support!

Tip 6 – Remember why you’re doing this

We all have bad days in whatever life situation we’re in, whether that be in or out of our control. A bad day at work or school is no different to a bad day of travelling – the only difference is that you don’t have a boss or teacher to blame. Some day’s things are shit. Everything breaks, the weather is terrible, there’s a problem with the van you just can’t fix, the dog keeps puking up, you’ve all got an upset belly from that streetfood you thought looked ok, you don’t like where you’re staying and you’re missing family and friends. Yep, these and more can all happen, even all at once! At those times there is only one question you can ask yourself and this is ‘why am I doing this’.

Perhaps it’s because you wanted a freer life, perhaps you ached for adventure, maybe you wanted to try something new, maybe financially this was the only option, perhaps you wanted out of the system, maybe you wanted to see more of the world, perhaps you need more time with your family. There are many reasons why we choose to give up life as so many of us know it and live life alternately. For us, in those difficult moments, remembering why we made this decision helps bring us back to a place of gratitude, presence and acceptance and ultimately a much higher vibe than we were in beforehand.

Tip 7 – Community is more important than you might think

Community is one of the fundamentals for happiness so ensure this is on your radar when thinking about vanlife or camper van travel. How will you seek community? Luckily there are loads of ways to join communities of like-minded individuals, couples and families. A good place to start is on Facebook groups and pages and of course getting yourself out there talking and meeting people on the road. For some of us, this is the hard part of vanlife. It’s much easier to keep yourself to yourself and stay within your comfort zone. I definitely don’t find it easy to always make conversation and I am rubbish at keeping in touch. Remi inspires me every day with how she so easily interacts with everyone and loves to converse. Jez is great when it comes to Facebook groups and the like and it does get easier. The more you practice, the more it becomes second nature. Speaking to people wherever you find yourself will become the norm.  

Be assured that there is a great community out there of like-minded souls. You might not click with everyone buts that’s cool too.  

Shout out to just some of the awesome people we have met – The Steiners, Jane and John, Heather & Ron, Jane & Kenny, Mitchel, Rhian & the kids and Frank, Denise and the boys.

So there are our top 7 tips for navigating family camper van travel and being together all of the time. I’m sure we will learn much more along the way and will return to this post or even make a part 2 with some new additions. If you have some tips, we would love to hear them.

Take care of yourselves and make sure you’re satisfying your individual needs!

We’ll write again soon.

Love the FamiLee x